This is an AI image my daughter-in-law created when my son’s boss approached him with the idea of the family moving to Amsterdam for a. couple of years. My initial gut reaction was tears because I wouldn’t be able to see the girls as often as I do now. They live just over two hours away. Amsterdam is a bit farther than that!
But then I told myself if is their life, not mine. I told myself I would always be the kind of parent and grandparent to give my children/grandchildren wings and not be a wing-clipper. My mom, bless her, was very much a wing-clipper. She meant well, but I never had to freedom to do as I wanted because of the guilt placed upon me if I were to do so.
So, I told myself we would just have to go to Amsterdam to visit. We’d have to FaceTime. Maybe it would even be a good thing since I’ve never been to Europe and always wanted to go. With them living there, they could be our hotel and our tour guides.
I was making lemonade out of lemons.
They’re not moving to Amsterdam, but with his job, I know I can’t count on them always living two hours away. There are countless grandparents who livelong distances from their grandchildren, and they cope. I could do it too.
I never told my son my feelings. I just listened and asked questions. My role, I believe, is to support, not chain. To give advice only it is asked for. Sometimes I go the “Mom” route when a problem arises with one of my kids and I’m trying to make suggestions when all they need is someone to listen or bounce ideas off. They’re adults.
My journey to accepting I can’t control many things in life came to full fruition about 15 years ago when I realized my adult life was not the perfect one I had envisioned in my younger days. I realized I couldn’t control other people. I couldn’t control certain aspects of my health (vision). I couldn’t control my life in many ways.
So, the Serenity Prayer became a part of my routine. I said the words. I wrote the words. I thought about it. Finally, I meant it.
I really and truly meant it. I stopped telling God what he needed to do for me. I stopped wondering why certain things I had prayed about and for had not happened. I just accepted.
That doesn’t mean I don’t still pray about some of those things, but no, I don’t pray my vision will get better. It won’t. It’s getting worse all the time, but I still have functional vision to do a lot of things. Sure, maybe some technology will be invented that will help me see better someday, but I’m not banking on that. I still pray about some things I know are out of my control like my loved ones’ safety, their spiritual conditions (as well as my own), and their choices.
But I don’t worry about those things.
Several months ago, my son (the one who had been asked to go to Amsterdam) had to go to Singapore on business. He flew to California where he boarded a plane and flew 16 hours to his destination. I prayed about it and never worried a bit. Worry, I knew, wouldn’t change anything. It was out of my control.
Accepting that and practicing it has given me a peace I never had. That doesn’t mean I don’t have my moments. That doesn’t. mean I don’t shed tears about things that weigh heavily on my spirit.
The thing is, when we want to control everything, that need to control actually controls US. It can be as simple as being a “backseat driver,” or it can be as overt as telling our adult children or out spouse what moves to make and becoming…well, bossy.
If you are a regular reader of my blogs, you know I’m super independent. I have resisted bossiness all my adult life, but at the same time I’ve been compliant. I’ve given in to the person bossing me around.
My choice, so I have to accept it and not resent those people for trying to control me. I just go with the flow to keep the peace. That’s the way I’ve lived most of my life.
Here’s my sidenote about this topic: You may not be that way, and that’s okay. I’m independent but not strong-willed. I can’t be happy if what I want out of life makes someone else unhappy.
Back to my topic. What worked for me might work for you, but please know it may take a long time. Please know it doesn’t always work, but it does most of the time.
To me, accepting what I can’t control is a matter of faith.
Here’s my version of the Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to accept what I can’t change, courage to change what I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
Life As I know it 