Are you like me? Do you have those occasional nights in which you wake up in the wee hours of the morning and find it difficult to get back to sleep?
I probably average one night a week doing that. I don’t know why. Thoughts run through my mind about the past and the future–and the present as I struggle to drift off. At this time of year, I’m usually awake before the sun rises, so when I awaken at 4:00 and can’t get back to sleep, I give up by 5:00 or so.
Last night was one of those nights. A friend in one of my civic groups is battling cancer for the second time, and it hit me I had not sent her a card nor even reached out to her via text. Then my mind jumped to the past when I was a teacher and principal and the mistakes I made in my job. No, I didn’t make mistakes all the time, but there were errors in judgment that, thankfully, did not result in any permanent damage.
Why, after all these years, did I think about the 1990s or even 2013?
I know many people who don’t have regrets about the past. I wish I could be more like that. I don’t worry about the future, but I do like to plan for it. It’s the past that haunts me. The times I said the wrong thing or made a decision that could have ended badly. It’s not as though I can’t forgive myself. It’s just that I can’t forget completely.
My brother and friends called me Perfect Pam when I was growing up. Not because I was perfect but because I thought I had to be. I was always conscious of what others thought of me. Too conscious.
I’m not as concerned about that as I once was, but, like last night, I still have those moments. And I realize the root of all those feelings is focusing on self. I shouldn’t be preoccupied with what others think when they see me–that is such a middle-school mentality. That age group is very ego-centric.
The mistakes of my past are minor compared to many. The time I miscalculated the yearbook budget and my friend and principal had the hassle of getting it straightened out with the auditors. The time I, as a principal, made the poor decision to allow a parent to sit in on some classes without giving the teachers warning nor checking with Central Office. Things like that. I wonder what the middle school teachers thought about me. I wonder what they said about me behind my back when in their talking groups. I know those things happen because I was a teacher who heard it all the time. And the funny thing is I know that every teacher and every principal has made similar mistakes or even worse. Perfect Pam just wishes she hadn’t made them.
Last night, Barry and I watched a special he’d recorded about Dolly Parton. Someone shared that Dolly told her once that she prayed every day to God that he would help her make someone else’s life better that day.
What a wonderful sentiment. And how much better the world would be if we all had that attitude.
So, today I’m going to send that text and. that card. I may send more than one card. I’m going to focus on what I can do to help others instead of allowing past mistakes to occupy my thoughts. Like Rafiki said to Simba after he struck him on the head, “It doesn’t matter. It’s in the past.”
I can’t go back and undo what’s been done. But I can move forward and learn from my mistakes. I can give myself the grace I give others.
And maybe, just maybe, those tossing and turning nights will become less frequent.
