Things We Say but Probably Shouldn’t

We’ve all had them, those foot-in-the-mouth moments when we said something we wished we hadn’t.

I still blush and regret things I said forty years ago. Like the time I saw a friend I hadn’t seen in a while. She had her two young boys with her, and her more than ample belly prompted me to say, “Oh, you’re expecting again?” Then she, being the kind, gentle soul that she was and is, gave me a sweet smile and said, “No, I just haven’t lost the weight from the last one.” Her youngest was over a year old, and I, in my ignorance and thoughtlessness, said a very hurtful thing. I didn’t mean to, and it still bothers me I said it. However, I saw her several months later, and she was down to her pre-baby size, as small or smaller than she was when we were in high school. Maybe my careless comment motivated her to get in shape, but it doesn’t matter. It was still the wrong thing to say.

I try to be more careful, but unfortunately, I still occasionally say things, in all innocence, that I shouldn’t. In talking with others, I’ve learned a few things that I thought I’d share, things I never really thought about as well as things I’ve noticed in my own experiences.

1. “When are you going to start a family?” An innocent enough question but potentially a hurtful one. For all you know, the young couple has been trying to do just that but have been unsuccessful. A couple that attends a church I used to be a part of in Arizona has struggled with multiple miscarriages, a hurt they carry with them as they attend baby showers for other couples and “ooh” and “ah” over newborns in their congregation. Imagine if they go to a class reunion and are around people who don’t know their situation and have to answer questions like the one above. My advice? Don’t ask.
2. “I had that surgery. Nothing to it.” For someone facing surgery for the first time or even the tenth time, it isn’t helpful to be told that their concern is unwarranted. They don’t want to hear about your experience unless your experience can be helpful to them. It’s okay to say you’ve had the surgery, and it’s okay to tell them what to expect, but don’t act like their concern isn’t important. They need your support instead of your disdain. (A side note: some things termed “surgery” really aren’t that bad, like cataract surgery, but keep in mind that everyone’s experience is unique.”
3. “At least you had fifty years together” or any other “at least” comment. Someone grieving over the loss of a loved one recognizes the blessing of having that loved one for however many years they did. That realization doesn’t take away from their grief. The same goes for “He/She’s in a better place.” Let the person grieving say that, but you don’t need to be the one saying it. The best thing to say? Simply, “I’m so sorry for your loss.” Then let the person grieving take the conversation from there. They just need someone to listen, not someone to give advice.
4. “Maybe this is a good thing that will lead you to a better job.” Someone has been let-go or fired, and that is a scary situation. I guess we want them to be hopeful and to encourage them, but I’m not sure the above comment is what they need to hear. Possibly a better thing to say would be, “What can I do to help?” Or “Would you like to talk about how you’re feeling right now?” I have a tendency to go into teacher or Mom-mode too often, meaning I want to start telling someone how to fix things. Likely it is better that I just offer support and encouragement instead of advice. Unasked-for advice is rarely appreciated or accepted.
5. “You didn’t need him/her anyway.” Oh, my, this brings back memories of my younger years and the reason In ever could confide in my mother about my hurts. When someone breaks up, whether dating, a broken engagement, or a divorce, the last thing they need to hear is something like this, even if it’s true. They are hurting, and all they need is an ear. Like the comment to the grieving person, all you or I need to do is offer our sympathy and a listening ear. My mom’s comment to me after a break-up was always, “Well, if he didn’t want me, I wouldn’t want him.” Thanks, Mom, for the understanding. So, yes, my mom and I never had and still do not have the kind of relationship that allowed me to tell her about my hurts. If you’re that kind of mother, you might want to re-think how you handle those things. It will definitely create a wall between you and your child, at least in your child’s viewpoint.

There are countless other situations I could address, but you get the idea. We need to think before we speak, and even though we may strive to be more thoughtful, we are likely to continue to say things occasionally that are the wrong things to say. Not only that, people are likely to say things to us that are hurtful. When that happens, how should I react? Like my sweet friend who smiled and answered my question. With kindness. Her kind answer made me feel ten times worse than an angry one would have. There’s something about the Christian concept of a soft answer turning away wrath.

Most people mean well. They just don’t know how what they say may sound. I hope my blog today has opened your eyes as well as mine to the idea of thinking before we speak and not reacting in anger when someone else fails to do so.