The secret of a happy marriage

Today is our 43rd wedding anniversary, and unfortunately I have no good quality picture to share of our wedding day. The photographer’s equipment messed up, and the lighting was so poor in all the photos, I have very few pictures. Our wedding was simple, an afternoon wedding in the then common style of a short wedding and a simple reception, not a meal followed by music and dancing as it is now. But close friends and family attended to celebrate, however modestly, our special day, and here we are, 43 years later, still together and closer than we were when we began our journey.

So what is the secret to a good marriage? Before I tell you what it is, let me first share what it is not, although other long-time married couples might disagree with me.

It is not what we see in most movies.

It is not what people read in most romance novels.

It is not about each partner being the perfect mate.

There are elements of all of those things in a good marriage, but the secret, in my opinion, is commitment. By both parties.

Even the best marriages have their rocky moments. Your feelings for each other, especially in the early years, may wane at times or even become overshadowed by the demands of everyday life: jobs, children, obligations, extended family. You may feel you are doing all the giving in the relationship and your mate is doing all the taking. But if you’re both committed to the relationship, you can work through those issues and be stronger as a couple as a result.

I’m not an expert nor a counselor, and I believe each couple has its own dynamic. They have to figure out what works for them. My husband’s parents, for example, were (in my opinion) too dependent on each other, but that was their dynamic and was what made them happy. My parents were married 67 years by the time my father passed away, and to be honest, my mom was the nagging sort of wife. My dad handled it, always loved her (as she did him, in her own way), and while I would never hold them up as an example of how marriage ought to be, I have no doubt they loved each other and were committed to their relationship.

Barry and I have our own dynamic, and it is what works best for us. I avoid being like my mother. He respects my need for independence and doesn’t feel I have violated some sort of marriage code if I go spend a weekend with my friends as I’ve done with co-workers and former classmates. He doesn’t mind if I don’t sit in the living room with him while he watches his many sports programs. He lets me be me, and I let him be him.

It’s what works for us.

I realize there are some situations such as infidelity, abuse, an overbearing or verbally cruel spouse, and substance abuse that can and do destroy a marriage. I’m not trying to say that one person’s commitment can overcome the lack of commitment by the other partner. My heart goes out to those who have tried to keep their marriage healthy and strong but their partner was unwilling to be a part of that effort.

It takes commitment by both.

Sorry if I got preachy. It was not my intent. Our marriage is not perfect (no one’s is), but it has gotten better with each year. I am fortunate to have a husband who has been my cheerleader, my helper, my best friend in life.

I wish everyone could know that blessing.