What is your love language?

A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I were sitting on our front porch enjoying the early morning sunshine and cool temperature, and we started talking about the differences in the way we raised our children and the way we were raised. That led us to talking about how each generation has its own way of doing things.

Our parents, for example, were raised in The DePression, so life was all about survival and needs with little to no concern about wants. We were raised by parents who loved us by seldom told us they did. They were primarily concerned about our needs with some interest in our wants. Then our generation had kids, and we were all about our children’s needs AND wants. We told our children (and still do) that we loved them and showed them we loved them, we hoped, by doing things with them and supporting them in their interests, something we didn’t always receive from our own parents. They loved us and cared for us, no doubt, but their priorities were more about caring for our physical needs.

Our conversation got me to thinking about how people show their love for others, and I had heard about Gary Chapman’s book about the five love languages. The purpose of the book is to help people build better relationships by recognizing their own ways of expressing love for others and recognizing how others express their love for them. I’ve only read summaries of the book, so I don’t have an in-depth knowledge of the ideas he conveyed, but I think the five ways of expressing love are easy to understand.

According to Chapman, the love languages are words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. In other words, telling people we care, doing things for them, being gracious when others give us something, spending time with them, and hugging someone can show our care for them.

I think we do all of these things, but maybe we have a tendency to use one love language more than the others. I haven’t taken the online quiz to see which is my preferred love language, but I don’t have to because I already know what it is. And I know the love language that is hardest for me to accept.

The same love language. The love language I primarily use is the very language that is hardest for me to accept.

Acts of service.

I have the most amazing friends and family. Linda, Julia, Cyndy, and Martha Lynn will drive me anywhere, if I ask them, and they even call and ask if I need anything. I appreciate that so much, but I hate to ask them. (If you don’t know me or haven’t been following my blog, I have vision loss and can no longer drive.) I so appreciate what they do while hating the need to have them do it.

But they are appreciated more than they know.

Then there’s Barbara, who flew here at her own expense and gave up her two-week vacation to help my mother take care of my dying father so I could keep working. Dad was in hospice care, and we had no idea how long he’d last, so I couldn’t abandon my job as a middle school principal. As it was, he died five days after she left. Did I mention that Barbara is not even a blood relation but an in-law? Talk about an act of service. Would you give up your annual vacation to do that? I still feel there is no way to repay her.

So, I appreciate and value acts of service. I believe all the love languages are important, but the words of affirmation are hollow if not supported by the other four. People need to be told they are loved, but if we don’t show it by our actions, they are just words.

My parents loved me. My mom, who is still with us at 93, loves me. But we never say “I love you.” Not in words. I’ll write in in a card for her birthday or Mother’s Day. I’ll say it in ways like, “Well, I do these things for you because I love you.” But it never has been our way of communicating. They felt awkward doing it, and I still feel awkward saying it to her, although I have no problem telling my children I love them.

Maybe it’s generational. Maybe it is just our family dynamic. Maybe it’s a personality thing.

Whatever the reason, I still maintain that actions speak louder than words. What about you? Which love language do you prefer?