Caring for an elderly parent

No, this isn’t a relative of mine. It is a stock photo online.

I normally post recipes on Tuesdays. But I thought maybe this topic needs to be written about and shared. Why? Because no one wants to talk about it. If they do, they feel disloyal. They feel like unloving children. They feel like people will judge them for feeling this way.

There is no doubt in my mind that we should respect the elderly. Other cultures revere the elderly for their wisdom and life experiences. Our culture, not so much. We tend to revere youth and fight aging with all our might. That focus on youth may make us intolerant of the elderly. Impatient with them. Even avoid them.

Before I begin what this blog is really about, let me say to you: If you placed your mom or dad in a nursing home and seldom see them or call them, shame on you. Well, shame on you if they were decent parents. If they were abusive or neglectful parents, well…that is your call. Maybe they are getting what they deserve. I don’t know, not my call to make. I know I live by the motto of doing right by others even if they don’t do right by me, but that’s my personal philosophy, the attitude that helps me look at myself in the mirror every morning. That’s just who I am. Yet I had good parents, so I don’t know how I would react to parents who were bad ones.

However, that is not what I’m talking about today. I’m talking about the children who had decent parents, who are now caring for them, and who often feel burdened, in spite of their love for their parents, because of the parents being the way they are.

I firmly believe that our negative traits are worse in old age, so look at your negatives right now and realize those traits are going to drive your kids crazy someday. If you strongly voice your opinions now, you’ll voice them in old age. If you are a hypochondriac now, that will worsen in old age. If you are fearful now, you will be fearful then. If you’re bossy now, you will be even worse. It goes on and on. Maybe you need to ask your family what your negative traits are so you can start working on them now.

The complexity of dealing with aging parents is that you want to respect and honor them but at the same time not be used by them. Sometimes they can be pretty selfish. Ever notice how an older person will fixate on something that needs to be done around the house that they can’t do and will go on and on about it without considering you’re working full-time and are very busy? Something that is not an emergency at all? Like that hole in the back yard that a neighbor’s dog dug and your parent wants it filled. Today. Now.

Or going to the doctor over every little thing. Your parent can’t drive anymore and want you to drop everything and take them at 12:30 on your lunch hour because he’s had a dry cough for three days. The one who wants you to take her to the emergency room over things like a nose bleed. The one who calls you at 2:00 a.m. and wants you to come over because his heart feels weird. The one who calls 911 for too many things.

You have to help calm their fears. You have to know what the real emergencies are. You have to be the parent of your parent.

What about the parent who complains about the food you bring or doesn’t show appreciation for the things you do? Not my personal case, but I’ve talked to people whose parents who can no longer cook complain about the food their children fix for them. Or the parent who refuses to give up driving, even though it is unsafe for the parent and the rest of society.

You love your parents. You want to do right by them. It often seems they are inconsiderate and selfish, and the truth is, many are. Some of you are lucky to have healthy aging parents, independent parents. But most elderly people are not that way.

Every parent, just like  every child, is unique. Caring for an aging parent can be challenging, even frustrating, exhausting (emotionally and physically), and even funny at times. Some parents are fiercely independent when they shouldn’t be, and some are totally dependent even though they could be more independent. Some are grouchy, some are kind. Most of them live in the past, and you listen to the same stories over and over. Be patient. Let them tell them. It’s what makes them happy.

Honor your parents. Do right by them, but sometimes, just like with a child, you have to discipline them, Kindly but firmly. No, Mom, we’re not going to the emergency room for a nose bleed. We’re going to stop it. No, Dad, I’m not filling that hole today. Wait until Saturday when I’m off. Dad, do you know how it makes me feel when you complain about the food I cook for you? I’m doing the best I can.

If you are dealing with an aging parent, know that you are not alone. Hang in there, and try not to let the emotional burden wear you down. Talk with a friend who is doing the same or even seek a support group. Sometimes just talking about the issues helps to relieve the stress.

Our society has trained us to be selfish. We have to work to overcome it, whether we are the elderly parent or the caregiving child or grandchild. It’s not easy.

But worthwhile things seldom are.